11/25/10 THANKSGIVING

Today is Thanksgiving. I am very thankful for all the blessings in my life. So please don't get the wrong impression about what I am going to say.

This past week has been a very hard, and I know it is going to get harder. A couple of days ago I was cleaning part of my closet (that's right, I was cleaning). I came across a half completed counted cross stitch project I was making for someone very special. Someone who has since passed on. During the past five years I have found this project in the closet several times. I just kept moving it from shelf to shelf. I didn't even open the sack. I knew what was in it. For some reason I could not let it go. But this week when I picked up the sack I actually opened it. I took out the project and looked at all the work I had put into it. Could I actually finish it and give it to someone else? No. The project had an owner and she would never get to see the love in my stitches. It would never be completed and hang on a bedroom wall. I put it back in the sack along with all the pretty colored threads and the pattern. I tied up the sack and then walked across the street and threw it in the dumpster. It was gone and once again my heart broke.

How many times will your heart heal from being broken? In the book "The Second Time Around" by Mary Higgins Clark she writes : "It's funny how, even long after you've accepted the grief of losing someone you love and truly have gotten on with your life, every once in a while something comes up that plays "gotcha", and for a moment or two the scar tissue separates and the wound is raw again."

That was how I felt. That is how I am feeling. It will get better, it always does. It just takes time.

No matter how thankful you are for your blessings, you still miss the loss. That's just life.

Sept 11, 2010

I'm such a bad blogger. I had such good intentions and yet, look how long it has been since I last made an entry. Today I am reflecting over many things. This is the nine year anniversary of the attack on my country. I can't forgive those people. I don't want to blame everyone from that part of the world (and yet I do). That makes me a bad Christian. We should love all (and I don't). Which brings me to another thing I am reflecting on. I have moved away from my God and I miss him terribly. He calls me to come back and I just stand here, looking. I have been reading "Eat, Pray, Love". I envy the way she got away from everything and got close to God again.

My blog was going to be the story of how I lost a great deal of weight and found . . . myself. And here I am, the same size as last year this time. I can do this, why don't I? What am I afraid of? I want to get myself together and write a book and tell everyone how I did it. Right now I would have to title my book "Eat, Eat, Eat". Don't think I would sell alot.

One month from tomorrow we leave to go to Orlando. I'm so excited. I love Disney and we have a whole eight days there. But I hate going fat. I keep telling myself "baby steps, baby steps". OK, I need to do this for me. Here is the plan. Tomorrow I will walk 1 mile and journel everything I put in my mouth. That is good for a start.

I feel better. I promise not to wait so long before I write again.

6/22/10 INVISIBLE

At 7:45 tonight my phone rang. Now anybody who knows me, knows that I usually head to bed by 8:00 and then read for about a half hour and then crash for the night. So I answer the phone. It is my mother. She is telling me that my sister in law is in the hospital. I ask what happened and she says she doesn't really know. Well, she is in the hospital for a reason, why? She tells me that she had sort of a seizure. What the hell is sort of a seizure??? I ask what she means by that. She passed out, mom knows that for sure. And she is extremely dehydrated. I know that dehydration alone can cause you to pass out. I ask when did this happen, she says Oh we didn't find out until this afternoon. (I talked to mom this afternoon on the phone and nothing was said then about it) Guess it was after that. Then she says, and this is the kicker, "We (meaning her, my sister & brother in law) went down to see her and she doesn't look good at all" HELLO! Did anybody think that I might want to go with you?

This is the treatment I get from my in laws. I expect it from them. But I thought it would not happen with my own family. Although . . . what on earth would give me the idea that things would be different. They never have been.

Mom gets sick and she calls my sister in law. When my brother & sister in law got married I was not even invited to the wedding. My folks went, my sister & her husband went, but I didn't go.

Sometimes I feel like it would be so easy to walk away from them all. Would anyone notice. Seven years ago I basically cut my mother out of my life and she never noticed. Maybe I embarrass them and it just makes life easier if I am not in the picture.

If I am a second thought, DON'T think of me at all!

6/20/10 - 1 Week Down

Well, I said I would post again this week and here I am. Surprise! I did have a very small gain this week, but since I have not been on the scales in two weeks I am taking this for a loss. I was totally on program all week and I worked out 3 times.

I am still on program and today I did a two mile walk. This week I will see a loss.

Today is Fathers Day and I am missing my dad something awful. He has been gone seven years now. Craig went to see his day and I'm jealous. I want to see my dad again. I want to hear his laugh and feel his hug. I hope he new how special he was.

Bambi & Russell took Craig to the movie for Fathers Day. I got to go along too. We saw "Splice". It was actually a pretty good movie.

Tonight I'm setting my alarm for 4:00 a.m. I want to to a couple of miles in the morning before I go to work. I'll let you know how that went.

READY - SET - GO!

This is it. I have drug my feet long enough. I started at the first of the year knowing that vacation would be in October. I had all kinds of time to get in shape. Well it is now 4 months away and I am not any further down the line than I was when I started. I told Craig this morning that I am now 100% on program. This the the time for the "No Excuse Mode". I have to get going and hit it hard. I don't want to have to ask for a seat belt extension for the air plane ride. I don't want to have to sit out from certain rides because I am too fat to ride. I don't want to have to stop every few minutes to rest because I'm so tired or because my back is killing me. I can do this and I will.

I just realized that I have not posted on this since February. My goal was to post every week. I had such big plans. I was going to tell all my feelings and thoughts and post all my life success that I was making happen. Now all I can say is, what happened. I think all the time of things I would love to blog about, but then don't do it. I am the Queen of procrastination. I'll admit it, I'm lazy. I want to put this out and air my feelings, but I just don't. I'm going to change that too. I'm hanging up my crown. No more procrastination. Can I do this?

I CAN! Will I do this? That is the question. All I can say is I will honestly try my best this time. Question for myself: What makes this time different? I don't know. I guess I want it to be different.

Here is the plan. 1. Stay on the WW program. 2. Start getting in at least 3-4 exercise workouts each week. 3. Do it now. No more waiting and putting off. That goes for everything. Paying bills, working out, doing laundry, house work, and working on training program for work. Remember Trish, you are no longer the Queen. Do it now!

OK. I'm posting this and I promise I will be back before the end of the week to let you know how things are going.

February 11, 2010

Today is my son, Bruce's, birthday. He was actually my son in law, but I loved him like a son. I know I told you my daughter is married to Russell (and she is) Bruce was her first husband. He passed 4 years ago January 12. His birth date reversed. He was born on 2-11 and he passed on 1-12. Freaky isn't it. I have thought about him all day. In fact I think about him every day. He was a special, warm, caring person.
When he was a little boy he wrote on a paper for school that when he grew up he wanted to be a dad. I was very sorry that he never got the chance to live that dream.
4 years ago today I was at a scrapbook crop. A local shop had a benefit crop for Bambi to try and raise money to help pay for medical bills. The Saturday that they picked to have it was his birthday. One time during the afternoon it started to snow, just snowing like crazy and the sun was shining so bright. Don't see that every day, snowing from a clear sunny sky. Bambi and I agreed that Bruce had a hand in the weather that day. He would have thought that was really funny.
He had a wicked sense of humor, loved to tease, could have grown a crop in a sand box, cooked like a deamon and had an evil grin and laugh.
He had a great life . . . just not a long one. I miss him and I love him. I take comfort in the knowledge that I will see him again some day.

February 6, 2010

I missed posting last week. So I'll tell you what I did last week and this week both. Last week I lost 3.6 LBs and this week I lost 1.6 LBs. Now I am down a total of 8.6 LBs. Last week I didn't get to enjoy my big loss the way I should have. Why? Because on Monday 2/1/10 I had to give an oral presentation at work. I was so consumed with this stupid thing that it ate up my entire weekend. You see, I got a great promotion last August. And to complete the training I have to make a total of six presentations. One each quarter for the first year and then 2 semi annually for the second year. In my opinion the whole process is stupid. I had to learn power point to use in my presentation (which has absolutely nothing to do with my job) and then all the hours and hours of planing and practice. This all has to be done at home because I simply don't have the time to do it at work because I'm learning the job. So needless to say, last weekend I was a wreck. I am happy to announce that my presentation went well and so I could breath easy the rest of the week. Of course starting on Monday I will begin work on my next presentation which will be given in April.

Maybe it was because my Panel was on Monday but was this the longest week ever or what? And it was not just me, I heard several people say that. I swear that I thought Wednesday morning would NEVER end. What was that about? I know that I had worked for at least 8 hours and when I looked at the clock it was only 9:00. Not possible. I sure hope next week goes faster. I think last weekend was a full moon. Maybe that had something to do with it.

Anyway, I am very happy with my 8.6 pounds gone. Do I see a difference. No, but I will not be discouraged. It will come.

I have been having issues with my left knee for the past several weeks. I know that the excess weight is a major factor. So I have been nursing it. Today it feels very good. Maybe I'm over the hump. So I will try to get in a mile before the day is over. Not a hard mile, but a mile all the same.

I will close with a quote I read this morning. I think it hits the nail on the head. It goes:
"Destiny is not a matter of chance . . . it is a matter of Choice. It is NOT a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." William Jennings Bryan.

In other words, if you want it, get out there and work for it. Nobody is going to hand success to you. I am working for this and I will continue to work for this. This is my year. I am claiming it and I will achieve it.

Have a great weekend in what ever you are doing. And remember, today is a gift, that is why it is called the present!

1/24/2010 Week 1

Here we are. One week down and my whole life to go. I weighed in yestrday and am down 3.4 pounds. I am very encouraged. Just another 6.6 and I post a picture. I worked the program and the program worked. I weighed and measured my food and wrote down everyting I ate.

Next step . . . Exercise. I am still having issues with my left knee. I need to get some Aleve. I will put that on my list to get done after work tomorrow. I need more hours in my day.

This week I am going to try a new receipe. I'm not sure which one yet, but I have decided it needs to be something that I felt like I had to give it up. I need to learn that I can have what I want. Portion control.

I wrote a poem and I want to share it with you.

REMORSE

I wanted some pizza,
I wanted some cake.
Why didn't I see,
It was such a mistake?

Just one little nibble,
Just one little taste.
Goes straight to my butt,
and straight to my waist.

And as I devoured
came the words of my mother
"One little bite
just leads to another."

I should have just slapped
my hands from my mouth
I should have walked north
I should have walked south.

I ate every bite
not a single crum lingered
and when I was finished
I licked all my fingers.

And when it's all over,
It's quite true of cours
Here I sit dealing
with eaters remorse.

(Feel free to share my poem, but please put my name on it. I should get the credit.)
Bye-Bye!

The Beginning

This is my beginning. Not of my life, but the beginning of my blog. I never really thought about doing something like this, but last year we went to see the movie "Julie & Julia" (which I loved) and I thought "what a cool idea"! I love to write and I also love to cook . . . I can do this. However, I will not just be talking about cooking. I plan to talk about everything . . . and then just send it out into space. What a concept.


Maybe nobody else will ever read this, but I still plan to write it. I'm not real good about completing things. I started writing a book several years ago and I don't know if I will ever finish it.

I have titled this "Becoming". I want to become the person I see in my heart and not the one I see in the mirror. I might as well state up front, I'm fat. I know fat is not politically correct, but it is the truth. In fact I have been fat all my life. Except when I was 12 I had a growth spurt and for about a year I looked pretty good and when I was 15 I went to Weight Watchers for the first time and lost 60 pounds and looked pretty decent until after I graduated from high school, but other than that I have been fat all my life.


I plan to change this and I plan to chart these changes in my blog. I am attending Weight Watchers at this time and I believe in the program. I know the program will work, if I work the program. I also plan to tell when I fall off the wagon, so please be kind and don't judge me too harshly. And if I read your blog I won't judge you either.

I have been "playing" with this life style change for over 2 years. I have lost and gained the same few pounds so often that we are on a first name basis. {Good bye, Mike & Stan, the last 2 pounds I lost. Hello again Mike & Stan. Oh I see you just jumped right on my hiney. Why there is Sue and May, strapped to my thighs. If you have ever struggled with your weight at all you know exactly what I'm talking about!}

I attend the 6:30 Saturday morning meeting. I was on a steady gain pattern from Halloween to New Years. I have lost the past two weeks in a row and this morning I looked at my weigh-in book and my loss/gain box says "0.0". So for all intent and purposes I am exactly where I was when I originally started. Now, I could get discouraged, but for some reason I saw this an an omen. A sign. It's like I'm a new member all over again. All the stars have aligned and I have the opportunity to start over. After all, it's a new year and I once again am officially at 0.0. I am encouraged. This is MY year. I can and will do this.

I also attend TOPS meetings on Thursday evenings. That stands for Take Off Pounds Sensibly. This is a support group and I have been going there for over 12 years. I go there with my husband. He lost over 40 pounds and has kept it off for almost 12 years. I'm so proud of him. And I love the people in my group, but I need more. That is the reason I go to Weight Watchers also.

I plan to post a new picture with every 10 pounds lost. Gee I bet you are really looking forward to that. And I will tell you every time I hit a goal. I have a whole list of them.

I just have the feeling that this is going to be a very exciting year. A year of change. A year of possibilities. I have a plan and I CAN!