May 7, 2011

Tomorrow is Mothers Day. My friends on Face Book are all changing their profile picture to photos of their mothers. Everyone is sending messages saying "If you had a great mother . . . copy and repost". And I look at their messages and I feel so sad.
My mother and I are not close. We never have been. Even as a small child, we were not close. I love her, she's my mom. But if we were both in a room full of women, there is nothing in her that would draw me to her. Nothing that I would look at her and say "That woman is very interesting. I have to get to know her." And I think she feels the same way about me.
Several years ago I got so mad at her. Not really mad, hurt. I called her on Tuesday to see if she wanted to go to a craft shop on Friday and have lunch. She hemed and hawed around and I finally asked if she already had plans. She admitted that she didn't have set plans, but a friend had said something earlier in the week about something that "might" happen on Friday. So I just told her, hey, no big deal, it's just lunch and a little shopping. I made another call and found someone who wanted to commit to plans with me on Friday. Not somebody who wanted to wait and be sure that nothing better came along. Then Thursday my phone rings. It's mom. Now she is ready to make some plans. The plans with her friend fell through. I just said "Sorry, I made other plans. Maybe next time." That was when I basically cut her out of my life. For the most part stopped calling and trying to make plans for anything. And you know what? She never even noticed.
When you look at the way my mom was brought up, I am lucky she turned out as good as she did. My Grandmother was the original "Ice Queen". I never remember her saying anything nice to me. And several years before she passed away I went with my mom to visit her in the nursing home. As usual she picked a fight with me. I told mom on the way home, I love you, but I will never go and see her again.
Like I said earlier, I love her and I know she loves me, but that is about all there is.

I have tried to raise my daughter so she never has to guess at the way I feel about her. We are not only mother and daughter, we are friends. She is very important to me and I try to tell her that every time I talk to her.

Mothers Day? Different for me.