5/11/11 A Little space, Please!

In this world where everything is so over crowded and personal space is at a minimum, is it too much to ask that strangers not invade what little bit of personal space we have? What I am talking about is when you are walking along, minding your own business, maybe thinking about the day or things you want or need to get done and then, out of the blue, some stranger shouts a happy "Good Morning" to you.
Now don't get me wrong. I am a morning person. But I share that with people I know. I'm not rude to people and if I happen to make eye contact with someone while walking along I am more than willing to give the courteous good morning nod and smile or even say "Good Morning".
What irritates me is to have a "Good Morning" thrown at you from out of left field. When I go to work I have to walk down long hallways to get from the door to my work station. My day starts very early so usually the hallways are fairly empty. I can either walk down the entire length of the building in which case the entrance to the cafeteria is at about the half way mark. I like to walk that way because the elevator is at the end and I can ride up to my floor. Or I can walk about a third of the way down the hall and take the steps to the next floor and then complete the walk down another hallway the rest of the way to my work station.
I get to work right before the cafeteria opens. There is always people standing there waiting and my issue is this one man, who I do not know, who insists on hollering out a "GOOD MORNING" every time I see him. One day I crossed over to the other side of the hallway and I was even looking at stuff on the wall (looking totally in the other directions from where he was standing) and he still shouted out his greeting.
When I said something to one of my co workers about it they said "He is just being nice". Well, who asked for it. If I don't know you and I am not even looking at you, why on earth would you feel the need to greet me???
So now, I look ahead to see who is waiting for the cafeteria to open and, to avoid the annoying friendliness of this stranger, I will turn before I get to him and walk up the steps and down the hallway to my desk. The hallway is usually empty and that suites me just fine.
This morning when I saw he was in line at the cafeteria, I took the steps. Now upstairs I am walking along and thinking about what all I want to do this morning. I am not looking around, in fact I think at the time I think I was looking at my feet and then all of a sudden I hear "Good Morning" from out of nowhere. I look up to see a woman walking down the hallway on the other side, going the other direction and we are just passing.
I did not even know she was there and yet she felt the need to greet me. Why? She could have kept walking and I would have never known she was there. And yet she had to intrude into my private time, private space, my time with just me, like a little child who needs attention. Me, me, me . . . Look at me!!!
Am I in the wrong for feeling irritated because these strangers are pushing their way into my space? I don't think so. I guess what I am trying to say is, if I don't know you and we pass on the street, I am ignoring you for a reason. Please don't feel like my feelings will be hurt if you do the same.

May 7, 2011

Tomorrow is Mothers Day. My friends on Face Book are all changing their profile picture to photos of their mothers. Everyone is sending messages saying "If you had a great mother . . . copy and repost". And I look at their messages and I feel so sad.
My mother and I are not close. We never have been. Even as a small child, we were not close. I love her, she's my mom. But if we were both in a room full of women, there is nothing in her that would draw me to her. Nothing that I would look at her and say "That woman is very interesting. I have to get to know her." And I think she feels the same way about me.
Several years ago I got so mad at her. Not really mad, hurt. I called her on Tuesday to see if she wanted to go to a craft shop on Friday and have lunch. She hemed and hawed around and I finally asked if she already had plans. She admitted that she didn't have set plans, but a friend had said something earlier in the week about something that "might" happen on Friday. So I just told her, hey, no big deal, it's just lunch and a little shopping. I made another call and found someone who wanted to commit to plans with me on Friday. Not somebody who wanted to wait and be sure that nothing better came along. Then Thursday my phone rings. It's mom. Now she is ready to make some plans. The plans with her friend fell through. I just said "Sorry, I made other plans. Maybe next time." That was when I basically cut her out of my life. For the most part stopped calling and trying to make plans for anything. And you know what? She never even noticed.
When you look at the way my mom was brought up, I am lucky she turned out as good as she did. My Grandmother was the original "Ice Queen". I never remember her saying anything nice to me. And several years before she passed away I went with my mom to visit her in the nursing home. As usual she picked a fight with me. I told mom on the way home, I love you, but I will never go and see her again.
Like I said earlier, I love her and I know she loves me, but that is about all there is.

I have tried to raise my daughter so she never has to guess at the way I feel about her. We are not only mother and daughter, we are friends. She is very important to me and I try to tell her that every time I talk to her.

Mothers Day? Different for me.

May 6, 2011

Today is my wedding anniversary. 22 Years with my special guy. We got together on March 4, were engaged on April 4 and married on May 6. I know it was fast, but so far it has lasted.
We went to Harrah's for lunch and then played slots for a while. Then we went to Walmart looking for a new table for the TV in the bedroom and new cushions for our backyard swing. The swing was also an anniversary gift several years ago. Then back home for a while. Later we went to Longhorn for dinner.
It was a great day. Will we make it 22 more? I think so. Sometimes he drives me crazy, but I do greatly love him.

April 10, 2011 TOPS SRD

This weekend I went to the TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) State Recognition Day (SRD). It was Friday and Saturday the 8th & 9th of April in Springfield, MO. It is a day TOPS Chapters from all over the State of Missouri join together and celebrate the best weight loss of the year. We have a State King and Queen along with runner ups and a best loser and runner up for each weight Division. At the first weigh in of each year everyone is placed in a Division. For example if you weigh between 200 and 250 you are listed in a specific Division. If at the end of the year you have lost more weight than anyone else in that division you are the division winner. You get your name announced and you get to be on state and read you story. They also have a baggy clothes parade. You have to have lost at least 50 pounds from your highest recorded weight. You have your before clothes on a couple of dow rods and hold them in front of you. You walk to the middle of the stage and they announce your name and give your before size and when they say your after size you hold the old clothes to the side and show yourself in your new smaller size clothes. Some of the transformations are quite shocking. Then you have the graduates. These are all the people who have met their weight loss goal. You get to walk across the stage in your formal and wear a graduation cap. Let me tell you, some of these formals were stunning. I don’t think I could graduate next year, because I would have to reach my goal by the last weigh in of December and I have so much to loose that I just don’t think I could do it. That is only 8 ½ months away. I would have to lose over 13 LB a month. I really don’t think that is going to happen. Every year I go and I say “Next year, I’m going to be on stage.” And when the next year comes, I’m still sitting in the audience, fatter than last year. But this year is going to be different. Next year I AM going to be on stage. I would love to be a Division Winner, but I will at least be in the Baggy Clothes Parade. 50 pounds. I can do 50 pounds. And I will. Friday night part of the program includes a motivational speaker. This year we had Dr. Nick Yphantides as our speaker. He was amazing. His own weight loss story was so moving and really gave me inspiration to get back on track with my own journey. If we had left as soon as he was done speaking, our trip would have been worth it. Thanks Dr. Nick. I hope to see you again some day. My title for this blog is “Becoming” and so far I have been a real disappointment to myself. I have not become anything except a bigger person (and I don’t mean that in a good way) Something touched me at this years SRD and I really have that old desire back to make things work. We got home Saturday night and when I got up Sunday morning I was resolved to start immediately with my new life style. Craig ran to the store to get some steaks to grill for lunch and I was getting hungry. I found myself digging in the cabinets and I was thinking, “Maybe I’ll just have some some of this or that and then I can start full force on Monday”. But you know what? I stopped myself. I said “No”. I drank some water and just waited a little longer and Craig got home and we had steaks and I fixed a nice salad. It was a great lunch and I was actually happy with myself. Waiting another day to start would not have made me happy. Just one more day I was a failure. But not this time. For yesterday any way, I waited. My battle cry for this year is going to be “Just for today”. I can say “No” to a candy bar . . . just for today. I can stop with one helping . . . just for today. I can sing Happy Birthday to someone at work and then walk back to my desk (without cake) . . . just for today. If I don’t eat something that isn’t good for me anyway, it is not going to fall off the face of the earth. That Snickers will still be there tomorrow. I can do this. I will do this. And next year when SRD is in St. Louis, I will be on that stage. CHARGE!!!!!

4/7/11 The issue of Red Bud Trees

Today Craig and I took a couple of days off work to travel to Springfield, MO for a convention. The convention actually doesn't start till tomorrow so we spent most of today at Silver Dollar City which is like an old time town with some amusement park rides. As we were riding there, it's about a 4 hour drive from Kansas City, I got lost watching the scenery. Not lost as in taking a wrong turn, but lost in my own thoughts, I was not driving at the time by the way. Suddenly I noticed a red bud tree. If you are not familiar with red bud trees they are generally small, some no more than bushes, and they are covered with a bunch of little purpleish pink flowers. And I have found that in the spring when you suddenly notice a red bud tree . . . you will now notice a ton of them. It's like you have to see the first one before your eyes can see all the rest of them. Once you notice them, enjoy and appreciate them because as fast as they came, they are gone. Just like when I drive home from work one day and suddenly notice that they have all bloomed over night, one night when I go home I will realize that they are all gone. It always amazes me that they don't appear and dissapear a little at at time. It is all, then nothing. I love the Red Bud Trees. They are beautiful and they add wonderful little splashes of color along the road for our enjoyment. Nature does that alot. I am going to do my best to take time and enjoy it. (Is this like take time to smell the roses? I think so.)

April 1, 2011

Today is April 1. April Fools day. There is lots going on. My cousin’s grandmother (whom she dearly loves) had a major stroke and is not doing well, my friends wife has been diagnosed with colon cancer and will soon have surgery, at work a friends baby is very close and we are planning a shower to welcome her. Yet with everything else going on there is a little whisper in the back of my mind about this day. This is Riley’s birthday. Riley was my dog. Actually he was Craig’s dog. I got him for Craig’s birthday 17 years ago. He was just a little 4 ½ pound ball of fur, but he was ours. He was our first pet we got together in our married life. And even though he was a dog, he was our child. In bed I would lie on my side and hold my arms out in a circle in front of me and he would walk up into my arms and I would hug him. He was always interested in what you might be saying, a good listener. And he was sensitive. If you were upset he wanted to make it better. We lost him 2 years ago on April 13. It doesn’t seem like he should be gone that long. Yet, sometimes it feels like he has been gone forever. Even after 2 years I miss him so much. Somebody said that man should strive to become half the person that their dog thinks they are. In most cases I think that would be pretty hard to do. I could tell when he looked at me that he was my boy and he loved me. I was not worthy of his limitless love and trust, but I sure am glad the he thought I was. "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." - Unknown

March 27, 2011 My Birthday

Today is my birthday and I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed. Not in the day, it was a great day. Had breakfast out with Craig and Bambi & Russell (daughter & son-in-law) at Corner Cafe in Liberty. Their biscuits and gravy can’t be beat. Then we went and saw the movie “Limitless”. It was a very good movie. Bradley Cooper is so easy on the eyes. A joy to watch. Then I had the rest of the day to relax and I did try to take a nap but lets be real, 20 minutes just doesn’t qualify as a nap. I used to be able to take a good 2 hour nap, but those days are long gone. I miss naps. Anyway, I am thinking about turning 56 and my life. There are so many thing I wanted to do in my life and here I sit. I wanted to write. I had a head full of great ideas for stories to write, but I didn’t do it. Some I would start, but I don’t have an ending. Did you know that one of my dreams in high school was to win an Oscar for writing? Well, it was. I have a great book started, but I have not worked on it in the longest time. I need discipline. I started this blog with the idea that I would put forth my writing efforts in here. I have ideas. I have something to say. Well, look at what I have turned out. Nothing. A few postings here and there, but nothing to brag about. I’m lazy. I’m making a promise to myself. (here we go again) I know I have said and done this before but If I don’t start again, I will just sit here . . . stagnant. And I don’t want that to happen. So I’m starting again. (and again, and again, and again) (shut up! I can start again if I want to. And you being ugly about it will not stop me) So, what do I want to do with this new beginning? Starting again does give you amazing freedom. Clean slate. Clear the path, because here I come. Full of such confidence that this time, I will succeed. OK, during this next 365 days (or year, if you will) I will work on my craft. I will blog on a regular basis and I will set aside a specific amount of time each week to work on my book. Small progress is better than no progress at all. In addition to improving my craft, I will also improve my self. I have the weighty issue of , well, weight to deal with. Eat with your program and let’s work on the exercise issue also. I am wrapping up two weeks which included Spring break to Orlando, Florida, a four day business trip to St. Louis, Missouri and a birthday weekend. I must admit that I have eaten my way through all of it. So starting today I’m back to my program. And sometime this week I will order the bicycle I have been looking at for well over a year now. I want a bike and I was to ride it. That would help me get my exercise and also have fun. I like having fun. (and I should know . . . I had fun once.) There are a ton of really nice bike paths in the Kansas City area. And I want to ride on them. I need a fold up bike for 2 reasons. The first is space. And the fact that I have none. A fold up bike will fit nicely in the coat closet. I don’t have a garage to keep a bike in and I don’t really want to leave it outside in the yard. And the other reason is that a fold up bike will fit in the trunk of a car so it will be easy to transport to and from the bike paths. Fold up bikes are not cheap. A standard bike would be less expensive, but here is where the space issues come up. I have saved the Christmas money my mom gave me for the past two years. I have enough to buy it and I’ve decided it’s time to do it. Can I do this? Will I keep up with my promise? Will I do the work to get the outcome that I am wanting? I guess the question isn’t can I, the question is will I? I’m saying “Yes” I will. But the proof is in the pudding. (yum, pudding. Now stop that!) At the end of the 365 day period, I hope to present a new and improved me. I have a plan. Now I need to take action.